you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
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