I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
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