Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
