So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
