It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
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