We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
