God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
nutella sex= disaster
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Randomize
