Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Someone stole a lamp last night.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
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