I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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