there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
