and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Randomize
