Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
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