you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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