My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Randomize
