Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
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i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
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