Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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