Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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