today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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