Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Randomize
