Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
