I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
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