I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
