thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
