my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
