I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
