Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Randomize
