Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
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