guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
