I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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