I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
