where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
