I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
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