Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
No subtext here. People are naked.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
