im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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