this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Sorry my hands just texted you
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Randomize
