I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
i believe in u and ur pee
Randomize
