so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
