I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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