That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
