Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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