i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize