So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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