i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
