I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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