im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Randomize
