I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
