I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Randomize
