just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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