I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
