sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Randomize
