I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
