You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
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Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
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Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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