so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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