Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
