Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
You dont lie about slip and slides
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Randomize
