your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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