he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
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