It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
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